Some interesting new research suggests that it’s not divorce itself which harms kids psychologically; rather, it’s the way parents interact with each other that affects children the most.
This finding is totally consistent with my years of experience as a psychotherapist. Children, I find, generally follow their parents’ leads.
If their parents treat each other in a reasonable, benevolent and fair manner, then children feel better about themselves and the world they have entered.
If parents treat each other in an adversarial, hostile, and malevolent manner, then kids, quite naturally, will draw exactly opposite conclusions. Yes, it really is that simple.
I know of divorced parents who are highly rational and benevolent towards their children. I have also met married parents who are hateful and venomous towards each other. Divorce is not so terrible when the parents treat each other with dignity and respect. On the other hand, staying together “for the sake of the kids” makes no sense unless the parents are prepared to be rational towards themselves, their children, and each other.
The lesson to draw from this research?
Parents have an obligation to be rational. Benevolence, kindness and everything else flows from a commitment to being rational.
“Rational” means: being fact-oriented in your daily life; not leaping to judgments solely on emotion; not letting your emotions do your thinking for you; and taking full responsibility for that which you created (i.e. your children).
Social conservatives such as “Dr. Laura” claim that rationality and benevolence involve self-sacrifice. Nothing could be further from the truth.
In fact, a commitment to rationality is, at its core, an act of self-preservation and not an act of self-sacrifice. The more rational you are, the better you know reality. The better you know reality, the more capable and competent you feel.
Whether or not you are a parent, a commitment to full rationality and intellectual integrity is everyone’s selfish responsibility. If you are a parent the stakes are particularly high, because there are little ones looking to you for leadership.
